I don’t remember the specifics of where this came from, just that it was one of the presents my dad brought home from a business trip when I was a kneehigh. This other time, he brought me a coonskin cap which, unfortunately, quickly became too small for my giant head, and I think our dog MacIntosh ate the tail. LL Cool J’s DJ wore a coonskin cap, too, but he called himself Bobcat. Anyway, I believe this may have been purchased in Hawaii, probably at the airport. My dad was a busy guy. It’s a rhino flute-horn. It sounds wicked as shit, like Zamfir if he was Samoan. My dog gets really weird when I play it.

I bought this Powell Peralta Skull & Sword deck in 1988 with money I got for my birthday. Up until this purchase, my skateboards were A.) a Variflex with cement wheels, and B.) a homemade Christian Hosoi Hammerhead lookalike carved out of plywood with the same cement wheels on it. The homemade board was great. No kicktail, weighed about 40 lbs., zero flex. It was like being in the Lil’ Rascals except all my friends were from the future and didn’t have Great Depression toys. So I saved up and bought this deck and promptly moved to a new town where nobody skated. Like 1989, nooooobody skated. I never put wheels or trucks or grip tape on it, just a couple sad Swatch stickers. I think once, after a big snow, I duct taped it to my feet and tried to ride down a hill.

LL Cool J’s Bigger And Deffer, the only tape remaining in my collection from Me: The Cosby Years. It wasn’t the first tape I ever bought– that honor goes to The Hooters’ Nervous Night — but it was the first tape for which I developed a corresponding choreography. May have had something to do with its purchase coinciding with my first room that had a lock on the door. This is the same room in which I used to try 360º Nerf Hoops dunks on my brother and he’d forearm me into the door, tearing huge holes in my 6 ft. poster of Michael Jordan dunking on Kenny “Sky” Walker. I also had this one. Funny how much I loved Jordan as a kid but then annoyed Brendan in high school by saying Bird was superior just because Jordan was his favorite player. I like to argue. Anyway, this tape is still awesome. I’m listening to it right now, and LL just called himself the “ninja of rap.” Brendan is a ninja of some sort, as well.

My friend Eri gave me this Swishahouse Hip*Hop Smellz air freshener that she got as a freebie at the Tuner Awards last month. The Tuner Awards are the Oscars for people who pimp their rides, and Swishahouse is a record label in Houston, Texas that makes the best driving music since Jan & Dean. You may know Swishahouse from the global hits, “Still Tippin’” by Mike Jones or “Sittin’ Sidewayz” by Paul Wall, but you should listen to everything they have released. If you’re interested in learning more about the local Houston rap scene, go to Matt Sonzala’s blog, HoustonSoReal, because it is Smithsonian in scope. I will have to guess that this freshener smells like promethazine and Sprite because I refuse to open it (decreases the value), or maybe a generic candy smell. Head over to HipHopSmellz to get your own or ask them what this might smell like. But I warn you, “Avoid contact with wack Mc’s Dj’s B-boys and Writers, this product could give them some style.” The best part is I don’t own a car.

This is as good a time as any to break out one of many George W. Bush-related items that will appear on Liberace Fingers. This is the Official Mini-Maglite of The 54th Presidential Inaugural, “Celebrating America’s Spirit Together,” January 18, 2001. As you can see, it is candy-apple red, like a Mustang 5.0. It is also engraved with the names of President Bush and the late Vice President Richard B. Cheney. I was not able to attend said inaugural, but my boss at the time, who was able to attend, was kind enough to bring all of us laborers back a souvenir. There is nothing on the flashlight that mentions the host, Larry King, or the performances of Marilyn McCoo or Ricky Martin.